note the date. its been that long. its october. a romantic october for me. love filled.
i try to think where i was last october. and i find myself remembering a confused girl. gutsy. taking all that the world throws. and bends. and bends. and bends. towards the end of 2006--- breaks.
that was then. now its different. now i'm sat in front of my a notebook. with a new job (again as a friend would say). a job close to my heart. where i feel my work making a difference. to them. to me. at this time last year. i was still pondering what next job id venture into. yes. its been that long.
this month last year. i was blindly in love. the adverb not an ecstatic feeling. but an adjective taken for how it is. blind. confused. not seeing anything-- signs of flaw, directions of where to go, or even where its at for the moment. yesterday i was with my boyfriend. i spent a three day long weekend with him. we're very happy. we discover new things everyday and stay in the constants that complement us like butter and jelly on a saturday brunch. yes i've found him.
we're now on our 8th month. yes its been that long. and many more. plenty more for us.
i was also with friends yesterday. a random realization blew me away: we're nearing our decade of friendship. 10 years! from kids to trying to stay as kids! :) over love and lay we're together. it's been that long.
check my last post. its been that long. i've been happy friend. this blog that started with pain is now wrapped in so much happiness. i hope i don't get too long to write again... i gotta start an office blog on another side of the cyber world... see ya ...
Monday, October 15, 2007
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Wait
It's been the longest while since I was blogging. This used to be my emotional toy, I had this illusion that it absorbs the pain when I type.
A friend of mine was asking why I haven't been posting anything. I dunno, I think I'm just waiting. For what? I guess a different mood. A new story to tell. A new person in me...
So much has happened since my last published post. The pain that has filled a lot of this url is already gone. The cynic is sleeping. Yes, the author is now happy. I have learned what it means to wait.
I hated waiting you know. Just like everybody else. And yet I wait. Just like everybody else. In line : for my turn to order at McDo, my bus trip to leave, conformes to be signed, my feet to be pampered at a salon, my pain to go away, for love to come. I realize now that waiting is terrible when we fixate on the idleness. When we refuse to see other things, do other things. It's the "wait" that already tells us to use our other senses to welcome the presence of other elements. An opportunity to try something new or be silly while whatever you are waiting for is on hold. Wait like you're not waiting. Wait and yet move, move your world. Wait and be happy for that certain pause in your life.
When we don't mind waiting, other things happen, moments that surprise us, the kind of stuff that could actually turn our lives around. Coz guess what GOOD THINGS DO COME AND GET US.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Where the heck is that cynic???
This is something I wrote 2 years ago:
I live now. And I do my best. I think I'm much lucky to be where I am at the moment, to get to travel, to meet a lotta people, to have fun, and to be incessantly blessed with love from family n friends. So I look so bright in the future: to the heartaches I'll get over with, to many wonderful times, to sum dreams that will eventually come true. So I'm happy. It's my choice. It is my hope that I touch people's lives that way they do mine... What about me? I believe in miracles. I believe in love. Reality could slap me and I'll throw back a smile :)
This is something I wrote yesterday:
Good life is celebrated by recognition of random things. Like infectuous smiles, unsolicited favors, kind strangers... Our choice to see beyond the ugly truths and to embrace the beautiful constants keeps us in the light. Struggle becomes Acknowledgement. This is where we discover the best part … and that is our ability to surprise ourselves. The sky does start under our feet.
I live now. And I do my best. I think I'm much lucky to be where I am at the moment, to get to travel, to meet a lotta people, to have fun, and to be incessantly blessed with love from family n friends. So I look so bright in the future: to the heartaches I'll get over with, to many wonderful times, to sum dreams that will eventually come true. So I'm happy. It's my choice. It is my hope that I touch people's lives that way they do mine... What about me? I believe in miracles. I believe in love. Reality could slap me and I'll throw back a smile :)
This is something I wrote yesterday:
Good life is celebrated by recognition of random things. Like infectuous smiles, unsolicited favors, kind strangers... Our choice to see beyond the ugly truths and to embrace the beautiful constants keeps us in the light. Struggle becomes Acknowledgement. This is where we discover the best part … and that is our ability to surprise ourselves. The sky does start under our feet.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Phase 2
I start this day with an overwhelming soaring spirit. For the first time this year I'm just so up and about I can just dance here carefree, careless ... just happy. Finally reunited with my beautiful constants in life. Blessed with stronger friendship with truest friends. And overwhelmed by the new people that are in my life.
I've come a long way. I started this blog in pain. In my quest for answers I wrote. Here I shouted what the real world won't listen to. My hurting had an ally and writing was it. Shielded by my cynicism, I hid from anymore pains that life could give. I lived the life that became comfortable to me - numb, oblivous to the world that kept on spinning, ignoring my stillness. I'm done now your honor.
I'm moving up :)
I've come a long way. I started this blog in pain. In my quest for answers I wrote. Here I shouted what the real world won't listen to. My hurting had an ally and writing was it. Shielded by my cynicism, I hid from anymore pains that life could give. I lived the life that became comfortable to me - numb, oblivous to the world that kept on spinning, ignoring my stillness. I'm done now your honor.
I'm moving up :)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
True Value
I do this post because I remember, I cherish, and somehow a lot of the moments I've had with this person made me feel what life truly is, that it is good.
Tonight I remember the guy I wished for my 18th bday. He came a few months after August. I recall seeing him for the first time in the AVR, he was just sitting there reading lines, people were talking about him, I liked the way he spoke. No we didn't talk and yes I was that close to hear him practicing the script. I'm not really sure if I quite liked him then but I remember being his partner in one of those exercises we'd sorta take turns carrying each other, against our backs. I think I chose him to be my partner that time. I knew he was surprised, surely I couldn't carry his weight. It was kinda late when I realized how foolish we musta looked. So I turned away after and went back to not minding him. Then there was this time in theater where the group was interconnected, feeling each other's pulse. I ended up beside him. Again, I'm not sure if I was instructed to go there or if it was just me. I guess it won't be so much of a surprise then if we ended up together when our friend got hospitalized during our cast party.
I guess God dearly loved me when I was 18 'coz this guy was so much more than what I expected of a special someone. He picked me up from class always with an umbrella for the rain, well the possibility of it. He'd pour his heart out. Listen to me. Go to my house at the wee hours just to check if there were people outside our apartment 'coz we were paranoid. Walk me home. Walk under the rain just to bring me a charger.
Up to now I'm not really sure why I cut it off. I remember wanting to take steps backward, he wanted something solid and steady and I, I just got my debut wish. I was a kid. We met again after 3? years and I knew him better. Maybe even realized what I have missed. And I didn't want to miss out again. So I was there when I could be. I felt all that I can feel. And expressed all the feelings that I can allow myself to. I didn't know you could acutally pick things from where you left it, that's what happened. As if nothing in between happened.
A lot has. He has relationships. I have my mess ups.
But we stay together in that genuine support, care, and worry of each other's regard. In bad days, we couldn't wish more than be there for each other to reassure that life doesn't suck that much. We reminisce the past and that helps us find the way back to our old selves and puts us into perspective. We're happy for each other. Sad for our defeats. Inspired for our tomorrows.
He's there for me now. Like he has always been. God knows I never get to the bottom of my cup, because I know at some part of this crazy world, someone out there wholeheartedly cares for me. And I hope he feels that too.
Tonight I remember the guy I wished for my 18th bday. He came a few months after August. I recall seeing him for the first time in the AVR, he was just sitting there reading lines, people were talking about him, I liked the way he spoke. No we didn't talk and yes I was that close to hear him practicing the script. I'm not really sure if I quite liked him then but I remember being his partner in one of those exercises we'd sorta take turns carrying each other, against our backs. I think I chose him to be my partner that time. I knew he was surprised, surely I couldn't carry his weight. It was kinda late when I realized how foolish we musta looked. So I turned away after and went back to not minding him. Then there was this time in theater where the group was interconnected, feeling each other's pulse. I ended up beside him. Again, I'm not sure if I was instructed to go there or if it was just me. I guess it won't be so much of a surprise then if we ended up together when our friend got hospitalized during our cast party.
I guess God dearly loved me when I was 18 'coz this guy was so much more than what I expected of a special someone. He picked me up from class always with an umbrella for the rain, well the possibility of it. He'd pour his heart out. Listen to me. Go to my house at the wee hours just to check if there were people outside our apartment 'coz we were paranoid. Walk me home. Walk under the rain just to bring me a charger.
Up to now I'm not really sure why I cut it off. I remember wanting to take steps backward, he wanted something solid and steady and I, I just got my debut wish. I was a kid. We met again after 3? years and I knew him better. Maybe even realized what I have missed. And I didn't want to miss out again. So I was there when I could be. I felt all that I can feel. And expressed all the feelings that I can allow myself to. I didn't know you could acutally pick things from where you left it, that's what happened. As if nothing in between happened.
A lot has. He has relationships. I have my mess ups.
But we stay together in that genuine support, care, and worry of each other's regard. In bad days, we couldn't wish more than be there for each other to reassure that life doesn't suck that much. We reminisce the past and that helps us find the way back to our old selves and puts us into perspective. We're happy for each other. Sad for our defeats. Inspired for our tomorrows.
He's there for me now. Like he has always been. God knows I never get to the bottom of my cup, because I know at some part of this crazy world, someone out there wholeheartedly cares for me. And I hope he feels that too.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
EXs
How do you feel when your ex got married? got a kid? got a girlfriend? How about if all your ex's were? At least the ones who mattered, or those you remember. What if some of your ex's are friends now? Can one person be guilty of all that I just said?
Ex's. I hate ex's. And the ex's of my ex's. I honestly get insecure with those past relationships. But I'm also somebody's ex. Don't you just feel sad when they get over you? There's this teeny weeny lil stab in the heart when you hear of their new girlfriends. Admit it or not. 'Coz sometimes deep inside you're not actually over them. You're just not willing to stay so you wait for something better, like your fairy godmother hooking you up with a handsome prince. But while waiting, your ex gets over you, so then you have to really finally get over them.
I've ex's of my own. But I'm slightly different, I'm not called hang up queen for nothing. I could always remember the good, like everything's just yesterday. That's bad right? You'll miss them. And you shouldn't. Or is it okay to?
I will blurt it out now. I miss my past. Each of my disastruous relationships, I look back to the moments and arghh why can't I just get the good stuff from each one of those times? If I could just link it together, then my guy would be able to do the following:
1. Write a coded letter and slip it in a book I borrowed from him.
2. Walk under the rain just to bring me a charger.
3. Name my cousin.
4. Excitedly tell everyone we're a couple, while I was still sleeping. (But that's actually tricky)
5. Write me letters everyday.
6. Reserve a stock of chocolait so that he'll have something to give me each time I'm cranky.
7. Wait for my bus for 2 hours in Baguio cold in his shorts and carry my baggage for me.
8. Buy me breakfast and bring it to my bed.
9. Invite me to his family reunion.
10. Invite me to go to church with his family.
11. Talk so proudly of me, his mom would want to adopt me.
12. Drive 8 hours on unfamiliar territory just to greet me on my bday.
13. Introduce himself to my dad and shake his hand.
14. Sing for me.
15. Memorize the 3 words spoken in my dialect.
16. Offer to wash my clothes. (I didn't give in though)
17. Take care of me in my drunk, unattractive, messy self.
18. Tie my shoelaces (I can't seem to tie it properly).
19. Hold my hand so I can take my mind away from my nearly-bursting bladder coz I gotta pee
on a long trip.
20.
I left 20 for all the good memories I can't remember tonight.
Apparently, I'm spoiled. Wait soiled. No spoiled. I guess I didn't date that weird a bunch after all. What can I say I'm a sweet tooth. I'm all for the sweetness. Life has been sweet for me. Might suck now but I'm thinking I'm gonna get on top of the wheel pretty soon. I'd say I've been a good thing in their lives too. For a while they did stay, and I know somehow I gave it a shot. I'm happy with the time that was given me. I thank my ex's for that. I will try my best not to regret. I pray I'll do better next time though. Make it last longer you know. Somebody teach me how...
p.s. what can i say i'm a struggling realist posing as a cynic who is ultimately still an optimist.
Heads up chocoholic
Ex's. I hate ex's. And the ex's of my ex's. I honestly get insecure with those past relationships. But I'm also somebody's ex. Don't you just feel sad when they get over you? There's this teeny weeny lil stab in the heart when you hear of their new girlfriends. Admit it or not. 'Coz sometimes deep inside you're not actually over them. You're just not willing to stay so you wait for something better, like your fairy godmother hooking you up with a handsome prince. But while waiting, your ex gets over you, so then you have to really finally get over them.
I've ex's of my own. But I'm slightly different, I'm not called hang up queen for nothing. I could always remember the good, like everything's just yesterday. That's bad right? You'll miss them. And you shouldn't. Or is it okay to?
I will blurt it out now. I miss my past. Each of my disastruous relationships, I look back to the moments and arghh why can't I just get the good stuff from each one of those times? If I could just link it together, then my guy would be able to do the following:
1. Write a coded letter and slip it in a book I borrowed from him.
2. Walk under the rain just to bring me a charger.
3. Name my cousin.
4. Excitedly tell everyone we're a couple, while I was still sleeping. (But that's actually tricky)
5. Write me letters everyday.
6. Reserve a stock of chocolait so that he'll have something to give me each time I'm cranky.
7. Wait for my bus for 2 hours in Baguio cold in his shorts and carry my baggage for me.
8. Buy me breakfast and bring it to my bed.
9. Invite me to his family reunion.
10. Invite me to go to church with his family.
11. Talk so proudly of me, his mom would want to adopt me.
12. Drive 8 hours on unfamiliar territory just to greet me on my bday.
13. Introduce himself to my dad and shake his hand.
14. Sing for me.
15. Memorize the 3 words spoken in my dialect.
16. Offer to wash my clothes. (I didn't give in though)
17. Take care of me in my drunk, unattractive, messy self.
18. Tie my shoelaces (I can't seem to tie it properly).
19. Hold my hand so I can take my mind away from my nearly-bursting bladder coz I gotta pee
on a long trip.
20.
I left 20 for all the good memories I can't remember tonight.
Apparently, I'm spoiled. Wait soiled. No spoiled. I guess I didn't date that weird a bunch after all. What can I say I'm a sweet tooth. I'm all for the sweetness. Life has been sweet for me. Might suck now but I'm thinking I'm gonna get on top of the wheel pretty soon. I'd say I've been a good thing in their lives too. For a while they did stay, and I know somehow I gave it a shot. I'm happy with the time that was given me. I thank my ex's for that. I will try my best not to regret. I pray I'll do better next time though. Make it last longer you know. Somebody teach me how...
p.s. what can i say i'm a struggling realist posing as a cynic who is ultimately still an optimist.
Heads up chocoholic
Sunday, February 04, 2007
My Unoffical Phobia List
I stumbled upon some phobias. And found myself.
Rache's Unofficial Phobia List
1. Androphobia - fear of men (maybe I gotta have this?)
2. Agliophobia - Fear of pain(maybe I have this?)
3. Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single (no, i'm in denial here)
4. Decidophobia - Fear of making decisions (don't ask my plan for the next five minutes, I still wouldn't know)
5. Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents (who isn't?)
6. Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood. (no medical career for me)
7. Macrophobia- Fear of long waits. (it usually fails you - cynic)
8. Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (one more episode and somebody has to sedate me)
9. Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants (we call the ants in our house "langgamonsters"- langgam meaning ants. swear, live at our apartment and you wouldn't want to see another ant ever again.)
10. Philophobia - Fear of falling in love or being in love. (this I have)
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