True Value

I do this post because I remember, I cherish, and somehow a lot of the moments I've had with this person made me feel what life truly is, that it is good.

Tonight I remember the guy I wished for my 18th bday. He came a few months after August. I recall seeing him for the first time in the AVR, he was just sitting there reading lines, people were talking about him, I liked the way he spoke. No we didn't talk and yes I was that close to hear him practicing the script. I'm not really sure if I quite liked him then but I remember being his partner in one of those exercises we'd sorta take turns carrying each other, against our backs. I think I chose him to be my partner that time. I knew he was surprised, surely I couldn't carry his weight. It was kinda late when I realized how foolish we musta looked. So I turned away after and went back to not minding him. Then there was this time in theater where the group was interconnected, feeling each other's pulse. I ended up beside him. Again, I'm not sure if I was instructed to go there or if it was just me. I guess it won't be so much of a surprise then if we ended up together when our friend got hospitalized during our cast party.

I guess God dearly loved me when I was 18 'coz this guy was so much more than what I expected of a special someone. He picked me up from class always with an umbrella for the rain, well the possibility of it. He'd pour his heart out. Listen to me. Go to my house at the wee hours just to check if there were people outside our apartment 'coz we were paranoid. Walk me home. Walk under the rain just to bring me a charger.

Up to now I'm not really sure why I cut it off. I remember wanting to take steps backward, he wanted something solid and steady and I, I just got my debut wish. I was a kid. We met again after 3? years and I knew him better. Maybe even realized what I have missed. And I didn't want to miss out again. So I was there when I could be. I felt all that I can feel. And expressed all the feelings that I can allow myself to. I didn't know you could acutally pick things from where you left it, that's what happened. As if nothing in between happened.

A lot has. He has relationships. I have my mess ups.

But we stay together in that genuine support, care, and worry of each other's regard. In bad days, we couldn't wish more than be there for each other to reassure that life doesn't suck that much. We reminisce the past and that helps us find the way back to our old selves and puts us into perspective. We're happy for each other. Sad for our defeats. Inspired for our tomorrows.

He's there for me now. Like he has always been. God knows I never get to the bottom of my cup, because I know at some part of this crazy world, someone out there wholeheartedly cares for me. And I hope he feels that too.

EXs

How do you feel when your ex got married? got a kid? got a girlfriend? How about if all your ex's were? At least the ones who mattered, or those you remember. What if some of your ex's are friends now? Can one person be guilty of all that I just said?

Ex's. I hate ex's. And the ex's of my ex's. I honestly get insecure with those past relationships. But I'm also somebody's ex. Don't you just feel sad when they get over you? There's this teeny weeny lil stab in the heart when you hear of their new girlfriends. Admit it or not. 'Coz sometimes deep inside you're not actually over them. You're just not willing to stay so you wait for something better, like your fairy godmother hooking you up with a handsome prince. But while waiting, your ex gets over you, so then you have to really finally get over them.

I've ex's of my own. But I'm slightly different, I'm not called hang up queen for nothing. I could always remember the good, like everything's just yesterday. That's bad right? You'll miss them. And you shouldn't. Or is it okay to?

I will blurt it out now. I miss my past. Each of my disastruous relationships, I look back to the moments and arghh why can't I just get the good stuff from each one of those times? If I could just link it together, then my guy would be able to do the following:

1. Write a coded letter and slip it in a book I borrowed from him.
2. Walk under the rain just to bring me a charger.
3. Name my cousin.
4. Excitedly tell everyone we're a couple, while I was still sleeping. (But that's actually tricky)
5. Write me letters everyday.
6. Reserve a stock of chocolait so that he'll have something to give me each time I'm cranky.
7. Wait for my bus for 2 hours in Baguio cold in his shorts and carry my baggage for me.
8. Buy me breakfast and bring it to my bed.
9. Invite me to his family reunion.
10. Invite me to go to church with his family.
11. Talk so proudly of me, his mom would want to adopt me.
12. Drive 8 hours on unfamiliar territory just to greet me on my bday.
13. Introduce himself to my dad and shake his hand.
14. Sing for me.
15. Memorize the 3 words spoken in my dialect.
16. Offer to wash my clothes. (I didn't give in though)
17. Take care of me in my drunk, unattractive, messy self.
18. Tie my shoelaces (I can't seem to tie it properly).
19. Hold my hand so I can take my mind away from my nearly-bursting bladder coz I gotta pee
on a long trip.
20.

I left 20 for all the good memories I can't remember tonight.

Apparently, I'm spoiled. Wait soiled. No spoiled. I guess I didn't date that weird a bunch after all. What can I say I'm a sweet tooth. I'm all for the sweetness. Life has been sweet for me. Might suck now but I'm thinking I'm gonna get on top of the wheel pretty soon. I'd say I've been a good thing in their lives too. For a while they did stay, and I know somehow I gave it a shot. I'm happy with the time that was given me. I thank my ex's for that. I will try my best not to regret. I pray I'll do better next time though. Make it last longer you know. Somebody teach me how...

p.s. what can i say i'm a struggling realist posing as a cynic who is ultimately still an optimist.

Heads up chocoholic

My Unoffical Phobia List

I stumbled upon some phobias. And found myself.

Rache's Unofficial Phobia List

1. Androphobia - fear of men (maybe I gotta have this?)

2. Agliophobia - Fear of pain(maybe I have this?)

3. Anuptaphobia- Fear of staying single (no, i'm in denial here)

4. Decidophobia - Fear of making decisions (don't ask my plan for the next five minutes, I still wouldn't know)

5. Dystychiphobia- Fear of accidents (who isn't?)

6. Hemophobia or Hemaphobia or Hematophobia- Fear of blood. (no medical career for me)

7. Macrophobia- Fear of long waits. (it usually fails you - cynic)

8. Malaxophobia- Fear of love play. (one more episode and somebody has to sedate me)

9. Myrmecophobia- Fear of ants (we call the ants in our house "langgamonsters"- langgam meaning ants. swear, live at our apartment and you wouldn't want to see another ant ever again.)

10. Philophobia - Fear of falling in love or being in love. (this I have)

My art?

This is supposed to be my painting. I answered some questions about me and this again-supposedly conveys my inner artistic self. I don't get any of it.
Click on this link and try it yourself: http://www.createpaintings.com

5Ws and 1H

Who would you choose to love, if you were asked above?
Who would be at your side
Who would become your bride?
Who will you text when you're home or you're bored?
Who will you wait for at the door
or will you be changing for?

What more is there to mope?
What possibility is there to hope?
What do you want that I cannot seem to give
What do you have that I must fail to see
or what you lack or what you wanna be

When shall you face the questions I pose
When will you answer?
When can you remember?
'coz the last time we're fine was back December

Where are we now?
Where are you?
in whose arms do you now belong to?
Where shall I go if you can't stay?
babe, will you find me someday?

Why do people change?
Why does it have to be you?
Why am I blindly in love with you?
Why can't you tell me what's going on?
do I really need now to move on?

How do I alter my state of mind?
How do I end you and start the same time?
How do I pick up the pieces
and choose from the choices?
How do I forgive and forget
How can I run away from regret?